My partner asked me the other day if I ever feel insecure. My answer: In what? Because I feel insecure about everything at one point or another. If you've been reading my blog, you know that I've struggled with insecurity about my body, my eating, and even my parenting. I feel this is the normal course of being a woman. These are things ingrained in us.
Should insecurity be ingrained? Should this be a part of our inner selves? Well it is, whether we like it or not.
I often say that I am my own worst critic. Most people are. I am so hard on myself. I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm a perfectionist, but I do expect a certain standard of myself, and it's really hard when I don't live up to what's in my head. So, do I ever feel insecure? Hell yes. But not because of your judgement - because of mine.
I suspect I care less about what you think of me than what I think of myself. I lived a lot of my life worrying about what others thought of me and that way of thinking becomes tiresome. I do, however, judge myself against others, and the ideal that I perceive I should reach, and therein lies the root of whatever insecurity I feel that day.
My laundry list of insecurities looks like: Am I a good enough parent? Am I being the example I want to set for my daughters? Did I teach to my best today? I am not a good parent. I am not a good teacher. I am failing my children and students. Am I a loving, giving and thoughtful partner? I am not as thoughtful as she is. I cannot give as much as she does. Am I a good friend? I am often aloof. I don't call anyone, ever. Am I as happy as I should be? I have many down days. I struggle with anxiety. I'm also insecure about my writing, and I often look back on my posts and feel them to be trite and trivial.
But I don't say any of this because I want sympathy, or for responses to these. That's because it's all my inner self-critic and it has absolutely nothing to do with others! I think a part of my harshness on myself pushes me forward, pushes me to be better. And, that is a good thing. But sometimes these things cross the line and I end up in destructive mode as opposed to being motivated.
All that said, I have a fairly healthy self-esteem, and I can often answer yes to my inner critic and feel pretty good about myself and how I conduct my life. Just because I am not totally secure doesn't mean I have less worth, or that I am not good enough. When I do feel insecure, I can't look outside to fix it. I need to turn inward, and tell myself the truths I know but sometimes don't feel.
My truths are: I am a good parent. My daughters are happy, healthy, decent humans. I am a good teacher. My students learn, grow and achieve. (They like me, most of the time too.) I am a good partner, and I have a lot to give. I am a good friend. I love my friends fiercely and give them what I have. I am happy, despite my struggles. I live a full, wonderful life. I am a good writer. My words are neither trite nor trivial, and on top of that, they are true.
So, am I ever insecure? A resounding yes! But, that doesn't mean that I'm not okay, or worthy, or acceptable. I am all of these things. We are all of these things. My positive words should outweigh my negatives, and this helps me to move forward. A little insecurity is actually a good thing, and it doesn't have to cut you down. It can't change your worth.
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