Body Un-Image

Body Un-Image

When's the last time you looked in the mirror and liked what you saw?  I've wrestled with my image since I can remember.  But haven't we all?  Every woman I know, whether overtly or not, struggles with their own self-image.  I've written about this topic more times than I can remember and this post, apparently, is no exception.

We are programmed to find ourselves unacceptable.  We see images of what we 'should be', what is good, beautiful and acceptable.  We fight it, and our minds tell us we are worthy, we are beautiful and we are acceptable, but the bombardment of what we should be is always lurking behind our best intentions, like a sinister devil on the shoulder putting negative words in our minds.  The strong self can often hold the shadows at bay, but eventually the shadows crack our armor.

That's because the cracks come from within.  The shadows lurk on the inside of us, not the outside.  They've been bred into us from birth, by the fact that we silently, unwittingly fall into predetermined gender roles and rules about how we should present ourselves to the world.   Think about how you role played as a child.  Think about the movies, cartoons, toys.  Think about the colors you wore and the clothing that was available to you.  We have silently perpetuated the shadows, and now they live within.  What's within is what comes out in advertising, fashion, and the patriarchal society we still fight against.

So, if what is within is reflected on the outside and made manifest in society, what can we do but beat our heads against the wall in futility? It all starts with the individual and then spreads through the rest of us.  Perhaps, if we all do our small part, maybe we can affect some kind of change.

First, we must change on the inside.  We must change the way we think.  We must change the way we talk to ourselves.  We must change the way we present the world to our children.  We must stop sabotaging ourselves.

I'm the prime example of a self-saboteur.  I've lost 20 pounds and I promised myself the last time I lost a lot of weight that I wouldn't allow myself to go back.  But, I did.  And I hated myself for it.  I'm trying to untangle my twisted relationship with negativity by replacing the searing thoughts with praise for what I've accomplished.  But, why do I need to lose weight in the first place?  What I tell myself and everyone else is that I want to live longer, healthier, and happier.  However, could my real motivation be from the norm that my gender is subject to?  When I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror, when I see a photo of myself in a bathing suit, I judge.  I find all my faults.  I see that even though I've lost 20 pounds, I am still not at the standard of beauty society holds me to - the standard I hate that I also accept and embrace.  I have this constant, gross battle going on inside my head.

"You are beautiful no matter what size you are."

"You're still 30 pounds heavier than you should be."

"You have come so far, and you are so healthy."

"You have so far to go, and you're not there yet."

"You have only one body, and you're going to treat it well and live in it for a very long time."

"Your body is always going to be unacceptable, no matter what you do."

UGH.

I am tired of this.  Aren't you?  How can we break this cycle? Here it is - we must stand up against our inner shadows, and the ones that still bombard us from outside.  It's time to reprogram our thinking.  Instead of a negative, replace it with several (I mean, quite a few, because it takes that many to cancel out the negative) positives.  I know that I am worthy, and beautiful and acceptable.  I don't have to let anyone else, including the entirety of the patriarchy, tell me that I'm not.  Only I can allow that.  Only I can set my value.  There is not another living soul who can do that.

So here it is - my battle is yours.  We are all in this together.  By writing this, I wrestle with my own demons, in hopes that others can overpower their own.

So next time you look at yourself in the mirror and find yourself unacceptable, remember that you are the only one who can change that.  You must reprogram your inner dialogue and replace the negative thoughts with more powerful positives.  Here are mine:  I am beautiful.  I am healthy.  I am being proactive about my health, and that is the best thing I can do for myself.  This body really is the only one I will ever get, so I better treat it well, and love it.  Inner saboteur, go fuck yourself.