What is this thing I'm feeling?

My last post was fairly optimistic in feeling. I was fairly optimistic in its writing. Now, I find myself on a bit of a roller-coaster. We're all on this ride right now. Some of us are sitting up front, feeling the brunt of it first hand. Some of us are at the very back, being whipped around. Some of us are sitting in the middle and can't see what's coming ahead or what's going on behind us. But wherever we are sitting, we are all on it; the highs, the lows - we're all experiencing the peaks and valleys, and loop-de-loops together. 

I go up and down spontaneously and violently at times. At other times, I just feel down. I feel like crying all the time, like staying in bed all day, like eating and drinking too much and that's all I can manage. The thing is, I also feel guilty that I am not okay. I still have a job  (for now). My wife still has a job. My children are healthy, my family is healthy, and my friends are all safe and healthy too. I have the ability to adapt to this new life well. I have the technological skills to work and flourish in an online environment. So, if you look at my life on paper, you would think I have a lot to be grateful for. And truly, I do. 

So, what's the deal? I came to the realization a few days ago about exactly what it is I'm experiencing right now. This is grief. I am grieving loss. I should know - I've grieved so many times in my life, and it often looks similar to what I am doing now. I can function on the day to day. I can complete tasks, do work, and even smile and laugh. But inside, underneath it all, I am so not okay. We are likely all grieving in some way. The world has done an about turn - instead of connecting more, being more global, we are now closing borders, disconnecting and sitting in our homes, unable to connect the way we once did. 

Cartography of Grief Source: © Refuge in Grief

I've experienced several of the grief stages thus far. I've lived the denial phase, the depression phase (current), the bargaining phase (on and off), and the anger phase (underlying everything right now). I have yet to get to the acceptance phase and stay there. It's important to note that these phases aren't linear. We can move in an out of these phases fluidly. I've been moving around in them daily sometimes. My rational mind and the fact that I am responsible to others is what keeps me going right now, and without that, I would probably not leave my bedroom. 

So, why all the grief? I guess it goes without saying, but I will say it anyway. The lives we were living don't exist anymore. They are gone, ripped from us by a submicroscopic agent. It is normal to be feeling down, even when you know you should be feeling grateful. I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful to be healthy, employed an otherwise fairly unscathed by Covid 19. That said, I am also grieving a life. I grieve the job I had, which has now completely changed. I grieve the time spent with my family and friends. I grieve for my friends, who have lost jobs and businesses. I grieve for our economy, our country and all of those more affected than me. I grieve the loss of my kids' school milestones - grade 9 farewell, music and theater performances, rites of passage from one grade to the next. I grieve the fact that we had no time to say our goodbyes, make our peace and find our closure on that life we were living. 

The wonderful thing about grief is that it is actually part of healing. It's a necessary step toward a new normal - one that will be a part of the new life we will live. And isn't it a wonderful thing? Knowing that I am grieving helps me to remember that I will also be okay soon. I've grieved a great many things, and I've also come out the other side stronger and better, every single time. 

My takeaway from this act of catharsis I've just exercised is that even though I'm on a roller-coaster of grief right now, at some point the ride ends and I can get off. I will definitely be okay. Many of us will also be okay. Our world, our lives, will not be the same, but we will find our way again once the dust settles. For now, I am going to ride out my grief and allow myself to feel it. I'm not really okay but at the same time, I am. I am because I understand grief. 

It's okay to grieve right now. I promise.