"Slut."
"Whore."
"Cunt."
"She's only hanging out with you because she wants your dicks."
"You're so skinny. Are you anorexic?"
"Are you a boy?"
And other expletives and remarks she doesn't want to tell me about or repeat.
This is the constant barrage of comments that my thirteen year old daughter has faced in her seventh grade year at school. Do you remember words like these, when they pierced your hearts and broke your fragile self esteem? Do you still carry the cuts and wounds left behind by words like this in your formative years? Do your scars show in your daily life now? I know mine do. More often than not, they take the form of self-loathing and self-imposed body shaming - that age old feeling of not good enough.
And now, my first of two daugters, a strong, smart, beautiful young woman coming into her own, must deal with the same.
I once hoped society could change. That my generation was going to parent their kids better. That my generation would teach our girls to walk in their power and the boys not to be intimidated by powerful women, but to stand powerfully together as humans. I feel the sense of optimism I used to have vanish with every single story my daughter tells me. She has been slut shamed, body shamed and gender shamed. She has been sexually harrassed. She has had an attempt of physical assault on her by a boy (the same damn one) twice in two years. I thank god every day I have taught her to be strong and unapologetic of her body, mind and strength.
But even the strongest woman can be whittled down to nothing. And so I sit here with my "what ifs", and she comes back at me with her "I'm strong enoughs" and we are at an impasse. I can't shelter her from the ugliness of the world. and I shouldn't. I want to protect her from the words that display the fact that patriarchy is alive and well, but I can't. And I won't. She will hear worse, and she needs to know how to deal with it. I have heard worse, and I know there is more to come. What do I do now? I allow her to be open and honest about what happens, and I don't freak out. (Inside, I am raging, but on the outside, I must appear in a monk-like calm.) She needs to be able to tell me when people call her a slut or try to shame her because she makes her own choices. She needs to be able to have a strong woman hear her, listen to her and empower her.
I can't fight her battles for her. I have to counter these words, these knives spit at her by young men who are afraid of her female power, with words of strength, so she can fight her own battles and stand courageously in the face of adversity.
"You own your body, and no one can take that from you."
"Your power cannot be diminished by anyone but yourself."
"Their words hurt, but they don't have to destroy."
"I am evidence of their inability to retain control of us."
Because, dear daughter, it will get worse.
But....
You are more powerful and you will stand in your power.
And perhaps, when she does, when they all do, the future will be better after all.
