We go through waves, periods, eras in life. There are periods of discipline, periods of indulgence, periods of joy, struggle and even periods of balance. I've always striven for balance, but rarely achieved it. And so, I try to balance my waves as best I can. Last year, I worked really hard on nutrition, losing weight, my career, and learning to say no to things. It was my "year of no." 2019 has thus far been my "year of shit." In my long list of "years of shit," it hasn't actually been that terrible, but there has been a great deal of change, a great deal of struggle and a great deal of turmoil.
What I've realized from this whole half-year of kind-of-bad-I've-been-better, is that I need to be more gentle with myself than I was last year. Some fairly extreme sadness through the beginning months of spring put me into a trend of eating too much, exercising too little, and beating myself up for it. I couldn't write much, I couldn't look at myself with any kind of satisifaction - I basically thought of myself as what's left at the bottom of the toilet after someone's taken a shit and flushed. You know, leftovers. I felt like something that needed to be cleaned off the bottom.
Now, on summer vacation, away from a life that overruns me with 'busy', I have been free to reflect and right some of the wrongs going on inside me. I made some key decisions at the beginning of summer.
1. I'm going to stop trying to lose weight. I gained back every pound I lost last year, and I need a new, more balanced approach to my wellness. I am very much an all or nothing kind of person, so this is hard for me. I'm not recording food, not counting calories, not adhering to any kind of diet plan. I am eating what I want and when I'm hungry. But, what I am doing to be better to myself is exercising. I want to exercise in some way every day. I've become somewhat addicted to classes at my local gym. First, it was yoga. A lot of yoga. Like I went and bought a yoga mat because I love it so much. I feel strong, centered, and peaceful. I feel challenged and opened up. Yoga, yoga, yoga...but today I tried something that terrified me. I did a 45 minute class of high intenstity interval training. I was red in the face for an hour after, but I felt good. I felt strong. I felt more powerful than I have in a long time.
2. I need to ditch the scale. This one hasn't lasted, if I am being honest. I weighed myself just this morning, actually. But, this is not a good vibe for me, and so I want to stay away from it. That said, I have to stop beating myself up for doing it. Just accept that this is where I am, and I have to be okay with it. My body is so strong, and I am surprising myself left and right with just how much I can do, with how hard I can push, with how I can push further with each class, each breath, each decision. I feel fucking amazing. I'm chubby, but man am I strong.
3. I need to be active and not sleep through summer. I am so good at sleeping. I would win the Olympics for sleeping. Leave me alone and I will sleep a whole day. I can't sleep this precious time away though. I sleep my 8 - 9 hours, then get up and go to yoga, the beach, bike riding with my kids. Even if I just enjoy a morning coffee on the patio, I feel that I am achieving this goal. 9:30 am sure beats 6:30 am.
So, those are my goals for myself. So far, I think I'm doing well. The last, and most important goal I've made for myself is that I need to be kind and gentle to myself and listen to my needs. If I need to sit at home and be quiet, I have to honour that. If I want to see a friend, I do that. If I want to read a book, watch Netflix, sit on my patio and bake in the sun, I do that. I spend the majority of my year catering to my circumstances, the needs of those around me and ignoring myself (to an extent). This summer I have been kinder and more in touch with my needs, and it is so refreshing. I love and want to fill the needs of others - I am wired for this. It's a huge part of who I am. But what energy I put into others I also have to put into myself.
Being 38 scares me. I don't like it because my mortality is in sharp focus. So, I need to take care of myself. I need to live. I need to celebrate this body I have because it is healthy. It has given me so much, and continues to do so. I have to really love it.
Self love is the greatest middle finger of all time.
Now, on summer vacation, away from a life that overruns me with 'busy', I have been free to reflect and right some of the wrongs going on inside me. I made some key decisions at the beginning of summer.
1. I'm going to stop trying to lose weight. I gained back every pound I lost last year, and I need a new, more balanced approach to my wellness. I am very much an all or nothing kind of person, so this is hard for me. I'm not recording food, not counting calories, not adhering to any kind of diet plan. I am eating what I want and when I'm hungry. But, what I am doing to be better to myself is exercising. I want to exercise in some way every day. I've become somewhat addicted to classes at my local gym. First, it was yoga. A lot of yoga. Like I went and bought a yoga mat because I love it so much. I feel strong, centered, and peaceful. I feel challenged and opened up. Yoga, yoga, yoga...but today I tried something that terrified me. I did a 45 minute class of high intenstity interval training. I was red in the face for an hour after, but I felt good. I felt strong. I felt more powerful than I have in a long time.
2. I need to ditch the scale. This one hasn't lasted, if I am being honest. I weighed myself just this morning, actually. But, this is not a good vibe for me, and so I want to stay away from it. That said, I have to stop beating myself up for doing it. Just accept that this is where I am, and I have to be okay with it. My body is so strong, and I am surprising myself left and right with just how much I can do, with how hard I can push, with how I can push further with each class, each breath, each decision. I feel fucking amazing. I'm chubby, but man am I strong.
3. I need to be active and not sleep through summer. I am so good at sleeping. I would win the Olympics for sleeping. Leave me alone and I will sleep a whole day. I can't sleep this precious time away though. I sleep my 8 - 9 hours, then get up and go to yoga, the beach, bike riding with my kids. Even if I just enjoy a morning coffee on the patio, I feel that I am achieving this goal. 9:30 am sure beats 6:30 am.
So, those are my goals for myself. So far, I think I'm doing well. The last, and most important goal I've made for myself is that I need to be kind and gentle to myself and listen to my needs. If I need to sit at home and be quiet, I have to honour that. If I want to see a friend, I do that. If I want to read a book, watch Netflix, sit on my patio and bake in the sun, I do that. I spend the majority of my year catering to my circumstances, the needs of those around me and ignoring myself (to an extent). This summer I have been kinder and more in touch with my needs, and it is so refreshing. I love and want to fill the needs of others - I am wired for this. It's a huge part of who I am. But what energy I put into others I also have to put into myself.
Being 38 scares me. I don't like it because my mortality is in sharp focus. So, I need to take care of myself. I need to live. I need to celebrate this body I have because it is healthy. It has given me so much, and continues to do so. I have to really love it.
Self love is the greatest middle finger of all time.
