I haven't written for so long! I see that my last post was in August of 2020. There are a few reasons I haven't posted. First, the last 13 months has sucked. Yep, you are aware. I didn't have anything to say that wasn't something we were all hearing all the time. The biggest reason, however, was because I often can't bring myself to look at a computer screen after I am finished work. I've made a (healthy) habit of walking away from my computer after work and not looking back at it until the next day. This is for both my physical and mental health. I have a bit of emotional energy today, so I figured I would take a chance to exercise some catharsis and write about something I never thought I had: depression.
So. If you've read my blog before, or if you listened to my TEDx talk, you might know that I have had some rough patches in life. I believe strongly in feeling my sadness and working my way through it so I can come out the other side and appreciate the happiness that will inevitably follow. I am ever an optimist. I am always grateful. I practice self-care and have a deep sense of self-awareness.
But, I didn't know I was (am) depressed.
I've always had situational or circumstantial sadness. It's normal to be sad when shitty things happen to you. I've also always been able to heal and move toward my happy. In the past few years though, the cloud of sadness has sat over my head, sometimes for no reason at all. In the past year, the circumstantial sadness has become pretty heavy, and I finally came to a point where I had to open my eyes and understand that I am not just sad.
I was at my doctor for my yearly check up at the beginning of the year. I go yearly to check for anything strange or different, because it's the responsible thing to do. Usually, it's all about physical health - blood pressure, lungs, heart, weight, breast exam, internal exam. It generally doesn't take too long, and it is pretty routine. I'm fairly healthy. My biggest issue is asthma and allergies.
This time it was different. My doctor, when finished the physical exam, asked me how I was doing emotionally. I wasn't really expecting the response I had.
I wept in her office.
I wasn't okay. There's the obvious - the COVID-19 Pandemic. There's the less obvious though, as well. It's been 'a year' in other ways too. The biggest thing I was (am) dealing with is my father's illness. I've started writing about this and I couldn't get through it. It is too heavy, too scary, too close to the heart to write about most of the time. When I was a child, I watched my mother wither away in chemotherapy. Now, my dad is taking chemotherapy. He doesn't have cancer - who knew you could treat other things with this? He has an autoimmune disease that is attacking his kidneys. His body is literally killing itself. You don't function without kidneys. So, this not only brings up awful, painful, vividly brutal memories, but it also brings up the stark reminder that my father is not immortal. So, in my doctor's office, I wept.
The best things you can do for yourself when you have Depression is to be aware of it and reach out. In that moment with my doctor, I became truly aware for the first time, and that lead to an ask for help. She told me there were things she could do to help me. I was already attending some counseling to deal with my dad situation, which was a great start. I definitely wasn't aware yet that this was so much more than sadness. This situation only brought the dark cloud that has been over my head for a few years to the forefront. It made it so that I had to do something because I was no longer functioning. Before, I could fake it pretty well when I had to, so I was 'functioning'.
What I realize, thinking about depression, is that I don't have an unhappy life. I am happy with my life. Just because I feel down a lot, and need help to deal with my feelings, that doesn't mean that I am necessarily unhappy in my life. These two things don't have to be mutually exclusive. In addition to practicing gratitude, optimism and appreciating my blessings, I also default to sadness when I am not working on my mood. I am not unhappy, but I am depressed.
Awareness of this is a huge step forward. Seeking help and treatment from people who know how to deal with this is another step. The one thing I know I can't do without, and the reason I've been able to function for so long is the people around me. I have my little family in my home and my sister, who all deserve a happy and healthy me, and I have this amazing chosen family around me that actually lifts me up and accepts all the parts of me. That support network is more valuable than I can express.
This is my reality of dealing with the depression I never thought I had. If you have a cloud over your head all the time and you just can't figure out why, maybe you should have a chat with your doctor. Honestly, it's the best thing I've done for myself all year.
Be well friends.
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