What are you afraid of?

I looked at the cave opening filled with crystal clear water.  My snorkel mask felt like it was suffocating me already.  My stomach lurched like a freight train coming to an emergency stop as I jumped into the water.  I had to make a choice: let my fear overcome me or have a once in a lifetime experience.  

Everyone's afraid of something.  In fact, we're all afraid of so many things.  Some, we know, like my fear of water.  Those ones are able to be fought because we recognize them.  Our rational minds can consciously fight them, because we are aware of them.  They are blatant, and we know that most of the time they're irrational.

But, what about all those deep-seated fears we live in that we can't even see? It's those ones which are most dangerous, because they are born from biases we may not even know we have.  Those are the ones that cause us to hurt ourselves and others.  My fear of water will not hurt me or any other person.  It may be annoying, and a hindrance to me, but it isn't harmful.  But, our deep, bias-filled fears are only harmful.

I think prejudice, discrimination and hate all stem from this fear.  It is the fear of the unknown.  It is the fear of "otherness", fear of change, fear of being wrong.  It is the fear that our own ideas of how the world works will be shattered if we entertain anything we don't understand.

I recently participated in an interview about Pride and what it means to me (which you can see during Calgary's Pride Week starting next Monday - (https://www.facebook.com/GlobalCalgary/videos/1161304070693112/), and this post is the premise I left with: that fear is what causes people to discriminate against LGBTQ+ individuals, and all of those who we find different from ourselves; that and lack of education, empathy and compassion.

These kinds of fears are so, so destructive.  They not only destroy ourselves, but the world around us.  Look at war.  Look at racism.  Look at laws that prohibit women from human rights.  Look at people who are put to death for being gay.  Look.  These things may feel far away from life as we know here and now, but assuredly they exist today.  And, they exist here, more than you may see.

I grew up with whispered rhetoric that was disparaging toward many people (but accepted as normal, and therefore not discriminatory because that's just the way it was) against - Indigenous, LGBTQ+, women, immigrants, People of Colour.  It was subtle, discreet and deeply ingrained in "white" culture.  It was subconscious.  It was disgusting.  It caused me to be afraid of those who were different from me without knowing why.  It was, is and will always be destructive.  We can do better.  We must do better. We don't even know or see these deep biases.

So, what are you afraid of?  Change?  Progress? A society that lives in equality, thus causing our comfortable hierarchy to crumble?

There is some truly deep work to be done here in order to uproot these fears.  I don't know that we will ever get there, but we must work.  There is just this one life we can be really sure of, so I'd rather live it free from the destruction my fear causes.  That's a choice that must be made daily.  Face the fear of things that are unknown, things that are "other", and allow things to move forward.  Change.  Be a champion of stamping out fear.  Listen to others.  See others.  See yourself for who you are, the good and the bad, and reinvent that deep, inner dialogue that destroys.

Finding Worth in Oneself

My partner asked me the other day if I ever feel insecure.  My answer: In what?  Because I feel insecure about everything at one point or another. If you've been reading my blog, you know that I've struggled with insecurity about my body, my eating, and even my parenting.  I feel this is the normal course of being a woman.  These are things ingrained in us.

Should insecurity be ingrained?  Should this be a part of our inner selves?  Well it is, whether we like it or not.

I often say that I am my own worst critic.  Most people are.  I am so hard on myself.  I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm a perfectionist, but I do expect a certain standard of myself, and it's really hard when I don't live up to what's in my head.  So, do I ever feel insecure?  Hell yes.  But not because of your judgement - because of mine.

I suspect I care less about what you think of me than what I think of myself.  I lived a lot of my life worrying about what others thought of me and that way of thinking becomes tiresome.  I do, however, judge myself against others, and the ideal that I perceive I should reach, and therein lies the root of whatever insecurity I feel that day.

My laundry list of insecurities looks like: Am I a good enough parent?  Am I being the example I want to set for my daughters?  Did I teach to my best today?  I am not a good parent.  I am not a good teacher.  I am failing my children and students.  Am I a loving, giving and thoughtful partner?  I am not as thoughtful as she is.  I cannot give as much as she does.  Am I a good friend?  I am often aloof.  I don't call anyone, ever.  Am I as happy as I should be?  I have many down days.  I struggle with anxiety.  I'm also insecure about my writing, and I often look back on my posts and feel them to be trite and trivial.

But I don't say any of this because I want sympathy, or for responses to these.  That's because it's all my inner self-critic and it has absolutely nothing to do with others!  I think a part of my harshness on myself pushes me forward, pushes me to be better.  And, that is a good thing.  But sometimes these things cross the line and I end up in destructive mode as opposed to being motivated.

All that said, I have a fairly healthy self-esteem, and I can often answer yes to my inner critic and feel pretty good about myself and how I conduct my life.  Just because I am not totally secure doesn't mean I have less worth, or that I am not good enough.  When I do feel insecure, I can't look outside to fix it.  I need to turn inward, and tell myself the truths I know but sometimes don't feel.

My truths are: I am a good parent.  My daughters are happy, healthy, decent humans.  I am a good teacher.  My students learn, grow and achieve.  (They like me, most of the time too.) I am a good partner, and I have a lot to give. I am a good friend.  I love my friends fiercely and give them what I have.  I am happy, despite my struggles.  I live a full, wonderful life.  I am a good writer.  My words are neither trite nor trivial, and on top of that, they are true. 

So, am I ever insecure?  A resounding yes!  But, that doesn't mean that I'm not okay, or worthy, or acceptable.  I am all of these things.  We are all of these things.  My positive words should outweigh my negatives, and this helps me to move forward.  A little insecurity is actually a good thing, and it doesn't have to cut you down.  It can't change your worth.

Body Un-Image

Body Un-Image

When's the last time you looked in the mirror and liked what you saw?  I've wrestled with my image since I can remember.  But haven't we all?  Every woman I know, whether overtly or not, struggles with their own self-image.  I've written about this topic more times than I can remember and this post, apparently, is no exception.

We are programmed to find ourselves unacceptable.  We see images of what we 'should be', what is good, beautiful and acceptable.  We fight it, and our minds tell us we are worthy, we are beautiful and we are acceptable, but the bombardment of what we should be is always lurking behind our best intentions, like a sinister devil on the shoulder putting negative words in our minds.  The strong self can often hold the shadows at bay, but eventually the shadows crack our armor.

That's because the cracks come from within.  The shadows lurk on the inside of us, not the outside.  They've been bred into us from birth, by the fact that we silently, unwittingly fall into predetermined gender roles and rules about how we should present ourselves to the world.   Think about how you role played as a child.  Think about the movies, cartoons, toys.  Think about the colors you wore and the clothing that was available to you.  We have silently perpetuated the shadows, and now they live within.  What's within is what comes out in advertising, fashion, and the patriarchal society we still fight against.

So, if what is within is reflected on the outside and made manifest in society, what can we do but beat our heads against the wall in futility? It all starts with the individual and then spreads through the rest of us.  Perhaps, if we all do our small part, maybe we can affect some kind of change.

First, we must change on the inside.  We must change the way we think.  We must change the way we talk to ourselves.  We must change the way we present the world to our children.  We must stop sabotaging ourselves.

I'm the prime example of a self-saboteur.  I've lost 20 pounds and I promised myself the last time I lost a lot of weight that I wouldn't allow myself to go back.  But, I did.  And I hated myself for it.  I'm trying to untangle my twisted relationship with negativity by replacing the searing thoughts with praise for what I've accomplished.  But, why do I need to lose weight in the first place?  What I tell myself and everyone else is that I want to live longer, healthier, and happier.  However, could my real motivation be from the norm that my gender is subject to?  When I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror, when I see a photo of myself in a bathing suit, I judge.  I find all my faults.  I see that even though I've lost 20 pounds, I am still not at the standard of beauty society holds me to - the standard I hate that I also accept and embrace.  I have this constant, gross battle going on inside my head.

"You are beautiful no matter what size you are."

"You're still 30 pounds heavier than you should be."

"You have come so far, and you are so healthy."

"You have so far to go, and you're not there yet."

"You have only one body, and you're going to treat it well and live in it for a very long time."

"Your body is always going to be unacceptable, no matter what you do."

UGH.

I am tired of this.  Aren't you?  How can we break this cycle? Here it is - we must stand up against our inner shadows, and the ones that still bombard us from outside.  It's time to reprogram our thinking.  Instead of a negative, replace it with several (I mean, quite a few, because it takes that many to cancel out the negative) positives.  I know that I am worthy, and beautiful and acceptable.  I don't have to let anyone else, including the entirety of the patriarchy, tell me that I'm not.  Only I can allow that.  Only I can set my value.  There is not another living soul who can do that.

So here it is - my battle is yours.  We are all in this together.  By writing this, I wrestle with my own demons, in hopes that others can overpower their own.

So next time you look at yourself in the mirror and find yourself unacceptable, remember that you are the only one who can change that.  You must reprogram your inner dialogue and replace the negative thoughts with more powerful positives.  Here are mine:  I am beautiful.  I am healthy.  I am being proactive about my health, and that is the best thing I can do for myself.  This body really is the only one I will ever get, so I better treat it well, and love it.  Inner saboteur, go fuck yourself.

When I have nothing to say.

I've been suffering with a serious lack of something to say.  I've got three half finished blog posts that have gone completely unpublished.  I've got an inkling of an idea bouncing around inside my head like a lopsided rubber ball, and I just can't get it all out.  So.  I thought I should write about the fact that I have nothing to say!

I have been off work for a few weeks, and you'd think that would give me a ton of time to iron out my convoluted thoughts.  Apparently not.  Do you ever get the sensation that you're banging your head against the wall?  I feel like this, utterly and completely.  Every so often, the impact will knock a word or two loose, but none of them can be strung together into a coherent thought.

Why, why, why?

Here's my self-diagnosis (what a narcissistic thing this can be...).  I haven't had a moment to recharge.  I am a total introvert and I spend a very long time inside my head on a daily basis.  That generally takes place during my long commute to and from work every day, and at the end of the day when I can grab savored moments to myself during a long walk or something quiet.  On vacation, I am busy having fun (oh the horror!) and not so busy being quiet.  Quiet is my fuel, and fun, apparently, my kryptonite. Ha!  How ridiculous is that?

I love spending time with friends, family and my children.  I love laughing, engaging in good conversation.  I love long days with amazing people.  But all of these things take a lot out of me.  They leave me with random rubber ball words that make no sense, until I take a few moments to sink in to the rapture of quiet.

Isn't it a strange thing, that when I partake in my quiet, the words come out?  Isn't it a strange thing that as an introvert, I relish in publishing my thoughts?  Such a contradiction. But isn't life a series of hilarious contradictions?  Like, doing nothing makes me flourish.  Like, when I sit in the dark, things come alight?

I've been learning a lot about personality traits like introversion and extroversion in the past few years, which has deepened my knowledge about myself immensely.  However, I still forget sometimes.  I often to get to a place where I find myself short-tempered, irritated by things that don't usually ruffle my feathers and generally unhappy.  Then, every time, it hits me that I haven't spent any time alone in days, and I see my solution.  It's my solution, every time.

How easily we get wrapped up in ourselves and forget ourselves at the same time.  Again, hilarious contradictions.  Life.