How many times can I start again?

I feel like we're always searching for a "fresh start."  Am I right?  When we fuck things up, or fail, or just stagnate, we always move to the whole starting again mantra.  I suppose that's where I am at this moment in my life too.  I used to blog a lot, and I found it extremely fulfilling, so in a sense, starting this new blog really is starting again.  But that's a total misnomer when applied to real life. 

I am not starting over.

I am moving forward, continuing a journey, waking up, setting goals, or anything else I feel like calling it, but I'm not starting again.  This blog isn't about fresh starts or new journeys or healing old wounds.  It's about this introverted, anxiety ridden human being publicly working out my own thoughts in a way that sometimes makes sense to me.  I hope my readers will find meaning in my words.  In my deep-down heart, I am a writer, and that girl has something to say.  I may be quiet (mostly) in my real life, but I hope my words resonate loudly. 

So here we go.

I'm turning 37 in 10 days.  This, for me, is a weirdly monumental age.  I struggle with aging, and if I'm being real, it scares the shit out of me to grow old.  Why?  Perhaps my vanity is tied up in that, but I suspect it's because my mom passed at age 38, and so my mortality is always close to the forefront as I move through my thirties.  I always think that once I get past 38, I will feel free from something and be able to accept my inevitable decay.  But, right now, I am struggling.  My mom was fighting for her life at my age, and here I am, enjoying a relatively easy life, full of amazing-ness at every turn.  That little tidbit is always at the back of my mind when I move through the motions of my life.  Maybe that's what's got me tied up in knots.  Survivor's guilt?  Who knows.  But, I need to unravel those knots a bit so I can breathe better.

Right now, I am really trying to focus my mind on what I want to achieve for 37.  I've made a few surface goals, and I would like to explore those, but what I really want is to get deeper.  I feel that this is a time for me to turn inward, and do some major work.  I'm hoping that my surface goals will help me do this. I believe in the power of words.  I believe in the power of looking where you want your feet to point.  I believe in vulnerability and movement.  My movement forward is going to be all tangled up in those things. 

Moving forward can be easier said than done.  It's tangly and messy, and gets stalled a lot.  Case and point,  for the past few months, I've been struggling with what I believe is mild depression.  I am still able to function fairly well, but I've been tired, lethargic, unenthusiastic and even cynical.  These are not qualities I have pride of ownership for.  I know that the million year winter has a lot to do with this, but I'm certain there are other factors at play.  In the last few weeks, with the emergence of the sunshine and a little bit of warmth, I am beginning to feel better.  I look at the world with more hope.  I am ready to start pushing again, and stop yearning for the sweet embrace my bed and endless hours of sleep. 

In the spirit of this disjointed, muddled-brain post, I want to share some of my surface goals that I hope will bring some positivity and growth to my life, physically, mentally and spiritually (in no particular order).  The goal is that these things will push me out of blah-ness and move me into a place of growth and renewal. 

1. I want to immerse myself in books this year of my life.  I don't just mean any books.  I want to read books written by women.  I want to read books by Women of Color.  I want to read books by people from cultures I don't identify with.  I want to read Indigenous authors and stories.  I want to grow my mind by learning the experience of those not like me, and like me, and see how I can check my own privilege and experience.  I started this with an amazing book called The Marrow Thieves, by Cherie Dimaline.   Now I've moved on to Son of a Trickster by Eden Robinson.  
2. I want to focus on my physical health.  I have spent too many years succumbing to my emotional eating, and my dysfunctional love affair with food and drink must morph into something more healthy and sustainable.  I want to move my body in ways I find enjoyable, instead of "working out" and feeling defeated when the number on the scale doesn't move down.  There's a lot packed up in this work, and I know that it's no easy task.
3. I want to say no more often.  I am a giver and I will give you everything I have until there's nothing left.  This is to my own detriment most of the time.  I go through waves of being good at self-care and boundaries, and then waves of, "here take all of my energy and don't worry about giving anything back" times, and I'm certainly somewhere on the downswing of the latter.  I have decided that this is a year of firm NOs to things that don't fill me up, bring meaning to my life, or that I can't easily recover from.  
4. I want to write more.  This blog is a really great start.  I am so good at starting things and not finishing them, so I would like to put my mental energy into this more than so many other things that try to steal my attention. I have a novel that is three quarters finished, and needs to come to end.  I have articles floating around in my brain about teaching and learning, classroom strategies, (work, work, work, I love my job), and parenting stuff.  I have half-finished thoughts that need to be turned into words about millions of things, including women's issues, LGBTQ+ issues, and all the stuff that pinballs around in my messy brain.

I suppose this can conclude a mish-mash of a post.  I hope you'll find some common ground as I push forward, instead of having yet another fresh start.  Tune in next time for another exciting episode of stuff I have things to say about...