Let's Talk About Depression.

I haven't written for so long! I see that my last post was in August of 2020. There are a few reasons I haven't posted. First, the last 13 months has sucked. Yep, you are aware. I didn't have anything to say that wasn't something we were all hearing all the time. The biggest reason, however, was because I often can't bring myself to look at a computer screen after I am finished work. I've made a (healthy) habit of walking away from my computer after work and not looking back at it until the next day. This is for both my physical and mental health. I have a bit of emotional energy today, so I figured I would take a chance to exercise some catharsis and write about something I never thought I had: depression. 

So. If you've read my blog before, or if you listened to my TEDx talk, you might know that I have had some rough patches in life. I believe strongly in feeling my sadness and working my way through it so I can come out the other side and appreciate the happiness that will inevitably follow. I am ever an optimist. I am always grateful. I practice self-care and have a deep sense of self-awareness. 

But, I didn't know I was (am) depressed. 

I've always had situational or circumstantial sadness. It's normal to be sad when shitty things happen to you. I've also always been able to heal and move toward my happy. In the past few years though, the cloud of sadness has sat over my head, sometimes for no reason at all. In the past year, the circumstantial sadness has become pretty heavy, and I finally came to a point where I had to open my eyes and understand that I am not just sad.

I was at my doctor for my yearly check up at the beginning of the year. I go yearly to check for anything strange or different, because it's the responsible thing to do. Usually, it's all about physical health - blood pressure, lungs, heart, weight, breast exam, internal exam. It generally doesn't take too long, and it is pretty routine. I'm fairly healthy. My biggest issue is asthma and allergies. 

This time it was different. My doctor, when finished the physical exam, asked me how I was doing emotionally. I wasn't really expecting the response I had. 

I wept in her office. 

I wasn't okay. There's the obvious - the COVID-19 Pandemic. There's the less obvious though, as well. It's been 'a year' in other ways too. The biggest thing I was (am) dealing with is my father's illness. I've started writing about this and I couldn't get through it. It is too heavy, too scary, too close to the heart to write about most of the time. When I was a child, I watched my mother wither away in chemotherapy. Now, my dad is taking chemotherapy. He doesn't have cancer - who knew you could treat other things with this? He has an autoimmune disease that is attacking his kidneys. His body is literally killing itself. You don't function without kidneys. So, this not only brings up awful, painful, vividly brutal memories, but it also brings up the stark reminder that my father is not immortal. So, in my doctor's office, I wept.

The best things you can do for yourself when you have Depression is to be aware of it and reach out. In that moment with my doctor, I became truly aware for the first time, and that lead to an ask for help. She told me there were things she could do to help me. I was already attending some counseling to deal with my dad situation, which was a great start. I definitely wasn't aware yet that this was so much more than sadness. This situation only brought the dark cloud that has been over my head for a few years to the forefront. It made it so that I had to do something because I was no longer functioning. Before, I could fake it pretty well when I had to, so I was 'functioning'. 

What I realize, thinking about depression, is that I don't have an unhappy life. I am happy with my life. Just because I feel down a lot, and need help to deal with my feelings, that doesn't mean that I am necessarily unhappy in my life. These two things don't have to be mutually exclusive. In addition to practicing gratitude, optimism and appreciating my blessings, I also default to sadness when I am not working on my mood. I am not unhappy, but I am depressed.

Awareness of this is a huge step forward. Seeking help and treatment from people who know how to deal with this is another step. The one thing I know I can't do without, and the reason I've been able to function for so long is the people around me. I have my little family in my home and my sister, who all deserve a happy and healthy me, and I have this amazing chosen family around me that actually lifts me up and accepts all the parts of me. That support network is more valuable than I can express. 

This is my reality of dealing with the depression I never thought I had. If you have a cloud over your head all the time and you just can't figure out why, maybe you should have a chat with your doctor. Honestly, it's the best thing I've done for myself all year. 

Be well friends. 

How do we get through this?

 Man, this year has been a doozy so far. That goes without saying. The world is not okay, and most of us are barely keeping our heads above water. So I guess, the question is, how do we get through this?

First of all, what is the "this"? You name it. Crazy pandemic. Fucked up politics. People dying and being harmed everywhere you turn. Being stuck in our homes. Having to change our lives as we know them. Pick one, pick them all. Our world is so divided. The smallest things are causing giant controversies. Wear a mask in a public place? Either you are cool with it or you feel like the government is taking away your rights. There isn't one thing popping up in the world right now that isn't causing division. 

HOW DO WE GET THROUGH THIS?

I have an answer. Just one answer, and I'm sure there are so many more. It is so hard not to get caught up in all the vitriol, and honestly, I get caught up in things all the time. I have very strong convictions and I don't particularly think I need to be quiet about them. While I disagree with some things quite vehemently, and support other things wholeheartedly, I think my answer can help me survive this craziness. 

Here it is:

Grace.

Empathy.

Compassion. 

There's never going to be a time when we need less of these three things. I disagree with people who think funding big business over funding schools is a good decision. I disagree with people who think privatizing hospitals is a good idea. I disagree with people who want to take away the rights of others. These things are happening in my world everywhere I turn. How can I not get caught up in all the anger and divisiveness? I can try to have a little grace, empathy and compassion for my fellow humans. Does that mean I will stop fighting for what I believe is right? Not a fucking chance. But, it does mean that I can go about what I do with the understanding in mind that everyone else is also trying to get by in a very difficult world. The more grace I can show those who disagree with me, the more empathy I can have for them, and the more compassion I can give them, the less rage I feel with the current state of affairs. 

Showing grace, empathy and compassion isn't necessarily about those I disagree with. It isn't necessarily for those I am fighting against. It's actually for me! I need to be able to find some solace, happiness and satisfaction in life. And man, life is hard right now. 

So, what is showing grace? Firstly, I have to make a choice to not to take things personally. I have to try to figure out why people do what they do, say what they say and feel what they feel. That's a tough one, but honestly, it feels better understanding that people's motivations are usually the same as my own. The next step to having grace is learning that I can choose to forgive people who I feel have wronged me. I've lived a long time understanding that forgiveness is essential for my peace of mind. It is the letting go of anger or hurt and choosing to move forward instead of dwelling in those feelings. It DOES NOT mean that relationships continue as normal. I've encountered several situations with friends and people in my life where I have felt hurt, angered or alienated by their actions or words. For my own self-preservation, I won't hold onto those feelings, but also for self-preservation, I will likely keep those people at arm's length from now on. If I have distanced from someone, there is probably a reason for it. Maybe it is just that life gets in the way, but more likely, I have put someone at arm's length because I refuse to feel the hurt, anger or pain that goes along with interacting with that person. Forgiveness and grace is a choice, and it actually takes some work and conscious decisions. 

Empathy...compassion... how about these things? Having empathy is trying to put yourself in someone else's shoes, feel what they feel. Having compassion is giving a shit about others. These two things go hand in hand. I can have empathy for you and disagree with you. I would argue that people have more in common than they have differences. We are all just trying to get by, and doing what we think is best for our own situations. That's what it comes down to. That's it. Vilifying people because they are on the opposite side of an issue really doesn't get us anywhere. You know what does? Listening to others. Hearing others. Having compassion for others. When we do this, we do not sink into pettiness and bickering. We actually lead by example.

I have always believed that if I live my life in such a way that I leave more positive in my wake than negative, that positivity will continue on its trajectory and move into the world. If I walk through life in such a way that my presence makes someone else's day a little better, then that light moves on into others. Empathy is exponential, guys. 

So here it is. Life is SO hard right now. None of us can see what will happen next. None of us knows when or even if life my return to normal. Not one of us is immune from the intense pressures of life in this moment, the divisiveness of the world, or the uncertainty of the future. We are all struggling. And with that knowledge, maybe we can give one another a break every now and again and have a look at what positive things we can. Let's all have a little grace, empathy and compassion. 

Daughter

Daughter,

What can I say to you, that will express how I feel about you? You are my first child. I have loved you since before you existed, and I can truly say, there is no fiercer love in the world, than that of a mother for her child. You were my child when I was but a child myself. You and I, we've been through so many firsts together.

When you were born, I became Mother. Your first breath became mine too, in this new me. We were born together, child of mine. And that name, is my favourite name. Mother.

When you spoke your first word, I heard my first word from my first born. When you took your first steps, I became the Mother of Walking, Toddling Girl. When you read your first word, when you created your first piece of art, when you sang your first tune, when you ... I became proud, for the first time, all over again. Every day, my girl, is another day of firsts for us two. And that bond is one that is unbreakable.

Now, here is another first. It's a first letting go, a first you're becoming an adult moment and it is truly a thing to behold. You are setting on a new path, one that has not been written for you because you control your trajectory. Daughter, I wish I could glimpse the path before you and shine a light the whole way down. I wish I could pave it for you, and make it safe. But, it is your path and you must walk it. It will not be smooth, nor will it be easy. But, Daughter, it will be yours, and I will hold your hand and I will push you (maybe a little), and I will cheer you on all the way down. I will wear your colours and I will be there to smile at you when you feel like you can't. I will cry for you and cry with you, and I will probably get mad, once in a while. I will shine lights where I am able, when it is too dark for you to see.  I will help you learn how to get back up when you stumble or fall, and I will definitely have your back when you're climbing up the rocks. I will celebrate your joys and and I will mourn your losses, right along with you when you need me.

But here is the big part for you: the path is yours, and you must walk it. You have this whole, bright, wide, crazy future that is all for you. I can't take you there, but man will I be the one ever in your corner as you go.

Daughter. You have given me the greatest gifts of my life. Now, take your wonderful life and run. Go forward, go up. Push and persevere. Be wild but safe. Be shrewd but smile. Be ambitious but kind. Grow. Never stop growing.

This new first, this new chapter is all yours my girl. God, I love you.

Mom

"New Normal"... Quarantine Blessings?

These past few months have been an adjustment for all of us. We keep hearing phrases like "new normal", "pivot", "physical distancing" and "quarantine." I know you're over these phrases, like I am. It's been hard. My previous post talked about how the first stage of this pandemic was akin to the stages of grief. We lost our way of life, in a snap of the fingers. It was gone, just like that. We all had to shift how we were living, and I acknowledged that I was feeling loss. I grieved all the things we lost. But now that we are months in, and that sense of "new normal" has set in, I am able to take a step back and see the good that has come out of this. And really, there is a lot of good.

First, I have to say that I am so grateful to still have my job. It looks different, but I am still working full time. My household is very, very lucky. We haven't suffered financially like so many others. I am so, so, grateful for this. I had a hard time shifting to remote work, but in the grand scheme of things, I am so lucky to have been a part of this, because I learned that I am capable of turning on a dime and adjusting. I have adapted my workflow, my schedule, my methods - and I have been largely successful here. It hasn't been without its challenges, but if I look at the big picture, this whole shift has given me skills to add to my resume, and simply helped me to become a better teacher. Things I didn't think were possible a few months ago have proven to not only be possible, but successful.

If I continue on this thread of things I feel good about, I can say that I'm finally out of the initial funk of eating and drinking in excess because I felt awful. I had to go through that grossness, but I finally feel like I don't want to soothe with food and wine. That, is a blessing. Bringing some nutrition back into my life feels really awesome. I have lost almost 5 pounds this week, just from not eating everything I see and want all the time. Win!

I've gotta say, being stuck in my home with my family has been... so amazing. This has allowed us to bond and gel in ways we haven't before. I am so grateful to be quarantined with people I really like spending time with! My (soon to be) wife and I have had so many amazing conversations and we've been able to spend time with each other in a way that isn't usually possible when our lives are so busy and crazy. Not that I don't work way too much still, but no commute = 2 extra hours in  my day. My girls have become closer to each other, and we've been able to spend some amazing time together. We've baked a million things, dusted off our roller-blades, found some tv shows to watch together, and just generally we've been able to work together and enjoy each other's company. I think this has been extremely hard on our kids - losing school and social life - but really I think this has brought out the best in my girls. I've seen their kindness and empathy on another level. The usual anxiety of life has all but dissipated and they are smiling more. They help more around the house. They cook dinner. They bake cakes and fun things for friends and deliver them to doorsteps with thoughtful notes and cards. They don't bicker with each other as much as they used to. They hang out with each other, because frankly, they have no one else to hang out with! They laugh, giggle and play. It is a breath of fresh air.

Don't get me wrong. We're not all sunshine all the time, but really, I think today, the good outweighs the bad. This whole life shift has brought some things into a sharper focus than they were before. The way I was living my life wasn't sustainable. I worked full time, then worked at my side gig after that, then by the time I was finally finished working, I was too spent to give anything to the people I love most. I am still working long, hard days. But, that extra two hours of not commuting has made it so I can finish everything earlier, usually early enough to sit down to dinner every night with my family. I have time in the evenings to just sit and be. I honestly haven't experienced that in decades. The pace of life has slowed so much, I feel like I can actually stop and breathe today. I know it won't always be this way, but I think I will be more aware of my pace in the future. I will make sure that I'm not running myself ragged, and make time to stop. That's something I have always had trouble with. I'm happy I was forced to do it.

So my lesson? Even though there is so much fear, uncertainty and still a great deal of difficulty, today the good outweighs the bad. It feels good to see the positive that has come out of this. I don't feel like this every day, but today is a day to breathe, and feel grateful. We were forced to full stop and re-imagine our lives in a different way and that has shown us what we are capable of. Adversity tends to show us how we can be better and do better, so today, I am grateful.

What is this thing I'm feeling?

My last post was fairly optimistic in feeling. I was fairly optimistic in its writing. Now, I find myself on a bit of a roller-coaster. We're all on this ride right now. Some of us are sitting up front, feeling the brunt of it first hand. Some of us are at the very back, being whipped around. Some of us are sitting in the middle and can't see what's coming ahead or what's going on behind us. But wherever we are sitting, we are all on it; the highs, the lows - we're all experiencing the peaks and valleys, and loop-de-loops together. 

I go up and down spontaneously and violently at times. At other times, I just feel down. I feel like crying all the time, like staying in bed all day, like eating and drinking too much and that's all I can manage. The thing is, I also feel guilty that I am not okay. I still have a job  (for now). My wife still has a job. My children are healthy, my family is healthy, and my friends are all safe and healthy too. I have the ability to adapt to this new life well. I have the technological skills to work and flourish in an online environment. So, if you look at my life on paper, you would think I have a lot to be grateful for. And truly, I do. 

So, what's the deal? I came to the realization a few days ago about exactly what it is I'm experiencing right now. This is grief. I am grieving loss. I should know - I've grieved so many times in my life, and it often looks similar to what I am doing now. I can function on the day to day. I can complete tasks, do work, and even smile and laugh. But inside, underneath it all, I am so not okay. We are likely all grieving in some way. The world has done an about turn - instead of connecting more, being more global, we are now closing borders, disconnecting and sitting in our homes, unable to connect the way we once did. 

Cartography of Grief Source: © Refuge in Grief

I've experienced several of the grief stages thus far. I've lived the denial phase, the depression phase (current), the bargaining phase (on and off), and the anger phase (underlying everything right now). I have yet to get to the acceptance phase and stay there. It's important to note that these phases aren't linear. We can move in an out of these phases fluidly. I've been moving around in them daily sometimes. My rational mind and the fact that I am responsible to others is what keeps me going right now, and without that, I would probably not leave my bedroom. 

So, why all the grief? I guess it goes without saying, but I will say it anyway. The lives we were living don't exist anymore. They are gone, ripped from us by a submicroscopic agent. It is normal to be feeling down, even when you know you should be feeling grateful. I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful to be healthy, employed an otherwise fairly unscathed by Covid 19. That said, I am also grieving a life. I grieve the job I had, which has now completely changed. I grieve the time spent with my family and friends. I grieve for my friends, who have lost jobs and businesses. I grieve for our economy, our country and all of those more affected than me. I grieve the loss of my kids' school milestones - grade 9 farewell, music and theater performances, rites of passage from one grade to the next. I grieve the fact that we had no time to say our goodbyes, make our peace and find our closure on that life we were living. 

The wonderful thing about grief is that it is actually part of healing. It's a necessary step toward a new normal - one that will be a part of the new life we will live. And isn't it a wonderful thing? Knowing that I am grieving helps me to remember that I will also be okay soon. I've grieved a great many things, and I've also come out the other side stronger and better, every single time. 

My takeaway from this act of catharsis I've just exercised is that even though I'm on a roller-coaster of grief right now, at some point the ride ends and I can get off. I will definitely be okay. Many of us will also be okay. Our world, our lives, will not be the same, but we will find our way again once the dust settles. For now, I am going to ride out my grief and allow myself to feel it. I'm not really okay but at the same time, I am. I am because I understand grief. 

It's okay to grieve right now. I promise.

When we need resilience the most.

Resilience has been on my mind in the last year and a half, almost exclusively. Obviously, several other things live in the landscape of this introvert's mind, but resilience is the grounding word that I've been single-mindedly focused on for the  majority of this time. That's because, in December of 2018, I embarked on a journey to speak at a TEDx event at my workplace. What possessed me to jump on that roller coaster isn't something I can quite put my finger on, but it stemmed from a thought that I had something that I needed to share. I didn't know exactly what it would look like, but through a year of planning, meeting with my coach, and writing several scripts, I came to the realization that my story was about resilience. I focused on three tools I have used in my own life to remain resilient in the face of some pretty significant trauma. In a nutshell, they were see yourself, forgive yourself and be transparent with those who depend on you.

I did my speech on February 27th. I've been trying really hard to process what it all meant, and my feelings around the event. At first, I was elated. It was done, and I was proud of what I had said. I think it had some impact on the audience. I could see their eyes, and I know they heard me. Then, I sank into this place where I couldn't quite feel proud. I haven't seen the video yet, and the further we get away from it, the more at peace I feel with it all. But, honestly, I need to work on my own advice. It didn't go perfectly according to the script, and so I kind of beat myself up about it. Maybe I should have added another piece - be gentle with yourself. And maybe another one, believe people when they tell you that you did a good job. I'm such a terrible inner critic that I have a hard time taking praise. Or criticism actually. However, I am working on it! Really hard. I'm anxious to see the video, but also anxious about seeing the video.

So, what's the point of this little story? I think the journey I've been on for the past year and a half, discovering what makes me resilient, was incredibly timely. At this time in the world, everything feels like it's balancing on the end of a knife. Our global way of life has changed. The world is CLOSED. The landscape in which we do work, education, and even have relationships is changing minute by minute. My career, for the foreseeable future, has gone remote and online. My children have no school to go to, no activities to do, no way of spending time with friends. My social interactions have been limited to small groups, one on one and on FaceTime. I am not alone in my isolation. None of us are.

It's these kinds of times that truly test our resilience. My generation has never seen something like this.  As we isolate further and further, we actually need to move closer together in support of one another. People are losing their jobs, their businesses. People are losing their loved ones. How are we going to respond? Will we fall to pieces? Or will we join together (figuratively) to help one another, to lend a hand to those who need it most, to love harder than we ever have before?

I'm going to try to take my own advice here (because I think maybe it is good advice). I'm going to give myself time to reflect and turn inward when I feel the pressure becoming too much. This is essential. See all of it. I need to see and acknowledge when I'm faltering, when I don't feel strong, and also see and acknowledge that I've been through some pretty awful things, and I can do it again. I need to forgive myself for those moments when I don't believe I can handle things, for times when I might complain, or be impatient, for moments when I falter and can't be my best. Because honestly, we can't always be our best. It's impossible. And lastly, I need to be honest and transparent about all the things that are going on. Transparency is a breath of fresh air, and it helps build empathy. The more real we are with each other, the more we can see that we actually are in this together. Empathy, that is what is going to get us through this crazy time. The more empathy we have for one another, the more we build up our collective resilience (ha, that's a line from my TEDx).

Guys, our world is changing. Let's show the world just how resilient we are. Turn inward, make sure you're all good there, and then turn back outward and push that resilience where we need it most. Stay strong out there everyone.

1995, December, A month to live

Every time I decorate a Christmas tree, I am back in 1995, in the living room with the dusty rose carpet. My mom, wrapped in a blanket, is too weak to even stand up and put ornaments on the tree. She has no hair. Her skin is paper thin. I have this ornament, one I’ve had since I was a toddler. It is a mouse in a mitten, or a sock. I can’t remember. In 2019, that ornament is long gone. In 1995, it’s a part of my childhood. My mom gave it to me long ago.

When I wrap Christmas presents, I remember her. She taught me how to wrap them neatly. Fold the edges into a neat triangle, then fold the end over once more and tape for a uniform look on both sides.

In 1995, I filled my sister’s stocking before I went to bed. First I made sure she was asleep, then I carefully placed items in the oversized sock (literally, you could fit a child in there), and my mom watched my work. When you’re 6, Santa is your hero, so mom made sure she had the stocking full. I don’t remember Christmas morning much. I don’t remember the presents I got that year. My picture is missing pieces. The image burned into my mind is that of my mom, wrapped in her blanket, telling me where to hang the ornaments so the tree looked nice.

 She’d been shopping weeks earlier. She was sick and weak but she had to do her Christmas shopping. She went with her best friends. She had no energy; she was desiccated by chemo. They pushed her in a shopping cart. There are photos of her smiling and laughing.

At Christmas, I have to fight memories and a broken heart. At Christmas, I have to fight to feel the joy my mom was so good at making me feel. Depending on the day, I can feel sadness, joy, or both and everything in between. This year, I find myself seeing the parallels between my life and hers, and I feel the pang of the fact that, were I in her shoes, this would be my last Christmas. I am the age she was when she passed. Were I her, I’d have 36 days left to live. Please forgive me if I am down this holiday season. I’m working hard to embrace my joy, because I really have a blessed life. But the holidays, they are hard, this one more than most.